I am frustrated

Dont know why. I tried to relax and meditate unsuccessfully.

I am thinking of death a lot this morning...I am finding it difficult to cope with. Is it that or something else?



I want to be with lots of people suddenly. I want to get on phone and call very one I know and chat my life away. Somehow even that feels like may not be enough. It is one of those days when you feel very lonely, no matter what you do, does not matter even if you communicate with the whole world....... you might not find peace. I have not.



Music?



I asked my care giver to get the i pod nano and fix the ear pieces. G - my daughter has got that for me. It had all songs sung by my wife - she was a great singer...



But NO.



NOT ENOUGH.



I want the world to stop revolving and take notice of my pain.



I want the wind to spread the word about my pain to the world.



I want the clouds to cry for me.



I want the sun and moon blink and the stars disappear for a bit.



I want the whole world to be there and be gone at the same time.



It is difficult when you watch yourself go down slowly.



you feel you are not this body - you are occupying this body which is refusing to listen to you....



You want it all to end soon- get it over and done with - you want things to get better overnight -YOU WANT a miracle....









You want to die and live in the same breath...

Alone

Alone


My routine is to sit in front of tv by 10 AM. I should rephrase it - to be made to sit. The day moves slowly. Sun tv is my only friend. She talks, cries, threatens, sings and dances non stop - dramatic but non stop....



I try to re adjust my position...it is 11AM.maybe I am thirsty, may be I am hungry. Should I call my care giver again for water. I just called her 10 minutes ago...she is sitting not far away and reading....she is a nice lady, but sometimes I sense that irritation and I worry that I shouldn't get on her wrong side - then we have to go through the whole process of getting another care giver...



Let me wait for some more tine and my coffee time will come and I can combine errands...



ah ...I miss my wife...



Well I have to spend another 4 hrs in this wheel chair before my physic will come- some massage, some stretching....atlast....



Phone rings...great my savior...



R please can you get the phone...and please help me up with my position so I can talk better on phone and er...get me some water please....



Great this hurdle crossed...god is great...

itch

It is 3AM. K has put a digital clock by my bedside. I can see the time bright and clear now. The times I spent guessing the time are gone. 3AM it is. The rudraksh mala is hurting my neck. My right hand cannot reach the back of my right neck to scratch. I cant move my left arm at all. Period. I tried moving a bit side to side so I can rub the itchy portion of my neck against the pillow - but no use. Should I call K? Ah...I had already called him at 1 AM for my nature's call - He was grumpy. I dont think it is a good idea... K is a nce kid. But the times are like this. It is better I dont say a word- ah...ah...the itch again... Let me try and turn to my left...Take a deep breath, ro..ll onto left..oh these deadlog legs -wont move...ah..yes..now better...oh..god..my left arm has gone under my body...I am worried I might injure it...oh my GOD..what to do...Should I call K anyway. Big deal, if he has had disturbd sleep...His dad deserves better from him doesnt he...No not really... He needs to sleep....


One more try...It is 3:45 now...

No luck...it is really itchy....may be I should call him....maybe.....

K...K.....
No response....

K...K....
.....
.........
Footsteps...
yes appa....

No, Can you bring the can please for me to pass urine...and just as you are heere..can please scratch here please....
........